Untitled: Full First Chapter

Letter to the Reader

Thank you, for taking the time to read through this story. For hours I researched and leaped head first into the realm of mental illness. More so looking at Psychosis, bipolar disorder, anxiety and depression. So I write this excerpt for those who may be triggered or affected by a story as dark and graphic as this. So please, if you have a past with any of the topics being displayed in this tale, please proceed with caution and take your own mental health into consideration. With that being said I sincerely hope that you enjoy the first chapter of my untitled novel.

Your Author,
Jay

October 17th

It was the first time she felt the rush and horror of killing. Feeling the brisk fall breeze ruffle her frizzy black hair. The warmth of the blood on her hands and her pale skin warding off the cold. The voice in her head praising her for a job well done. A grin composed of bright white and cherry red heat sketched itself on her face. She bit her blood covered finger and giggled to herself, filling her mouth with the taste of metal and concrete. She made the shape of a gun with her fingers and playfully blasted the still corpse beside her. Blood and intestines gathered, tangled together on the wet pavement. The eyes of her kill still open wide, mouth gaped open. The sound of car horns and sirens cried from the city behind her.

***

Shortly after dumping the body into the deep bowels of the Hudson River, she made her way back towards the city. The gaze of curious pedestrians meeting her own. She returned those looks with flirtatious winks and lip licking. I suppose it was not to off putting to see someone walking through the streets of New York, covered in blood in the middle of October, so close to Halloween. Although it was not her choice of fashion and blood soaked attire that garnered most of the stares she received. You could thank her abnormal beauty for the attention. She stopped abruptly in front of a small shop labeled ‘Candy Land’. She rarely came out to this side of city, so close to the water. Looking up and down the crowded and busy streets she seductively waved her hips and hands, hoping to catch the attention of a cab with wandering eyes. She had a body to match the beauty.

It worked. Almost five cabs stopped rushed to pick up the bloody girl. It was safe to say that every single one of those drivers had more than just driving her home on their minds. With a smirk on her face, biting her lower lip she entered the nearest cab, slamming the door behind her.  The driver was burly. Stubble lining her jaw and neck. You could say he was in is mid 40’s. He shyly eyed the peculiar girl in his back seat.

“So.. Where to doll?” he asked in typical NYC fashion.

She crossed her skinny legs. Her dark blue skinny jeans dipped in red that was now drying. Spots of pale skin poking through the holes in her knees. She pulled out $25 from the small bag slung across her chest and shoulder, quickly handing it to the man.

“East village, i’m in a bit of a hurry” she said, voice as smooth as silk.

“I take it fast and rough is good for you?” the driver asked.

“Oh that’s just how I like it big boy” she said with a bright smile as the cab quickly sped from the curb in front of Candy Land and disappeared into a sea of metal and smoke.

***

The sun was making its way down and the chill in the air was biting harder as the cab pulled up to a gorgeous apartment building. The bricks were all white and sparkled in underneath the waking stars and city lights. The double doors were blacks with silver hands. Even the stairs and surrounding buildings and streets were spotless. The young killer quickly opened the cab door but paused as she was about to run out.

“Thanks for the ride hun” she said sweetly as she softly kissed the man’s cheek. Leaving a lipstick tattoo on him.

Done with her task she paced out the cab and skipped her way up the stairs and through the black doors.

“I love new york” the driver whispered as he sped off into the cold.

The beauty lived on the middle floor of the complex, so she had to pace up several flights of spotless stairs. She hummed the words to ‘You & I’ by her favorite band PVRIS as she fumbled in her bag for her keys. Finally she stopped in front of black door with the number ‘31’ placed on it.

“Shower, shower, shower” she whispered to herself as she entered the room behind the door. It was a gorgeous apartment. One that a normal person would not be able to afford unless they were made of money. Everything was either black, grey or white. Her favorite colors. The entrance faced a small hallway, she placed her bag and keys on a marble black stand and made her way into the heart of apartment. The hallway opened up into one large studio. There was a kitchen to the far left and a bathroom behind its walls. A bedroom/living made up the remainder of the home.

She quickly began to undress. Kicking off her black converse as she slowly pulled down her blood stained jeans, revealing smooth and spotless pale skin. Next she quickly removed her long, black peacoat and black knit sweater. Her bony fingers and hands were still dressed in dry blood. There she stood, half naked in all black lingerie that you could almost see through if you strained your eyes enough. It was impossible for someone to be capable of harboring such beauty and physique. But she wielded both masterfully. Two clear, grey eyes sat indented in her skull. Somehow her makeup was still perfect after everything. Her legs were long and skinny, like the beautiful models you see walking the runway during fashion week.

Her waist was slim and her stomach flat. Her chest was not the biggest, in fact it was quit small but it was just perfect for her. her arms matched her longs legs, although they housed dozens and horizontal and vertical scars on each wrist. Soft, boney fingers ran through black, frizzy hair that dropped just a fragment above her freckled shoulders. She was blindingly beautiful, like she was pulled straight from a magazine cover. The fading blue sky outside complimented her pale skin, still with traces of blood on her hands, neck and face. Hair as black as the abyss, you would drown if you dared admire her for too long and many men have.

She looked towards the the white, glossy counter in the kitchen to see her phone light up and quickly fade back to sleep. Someone had left her a voicemail.

“Oh, must have left my phone her all day. WHOOPS” she spoke playfully. Her voice like silk in your ears.

She quickly picked it up to see who was trying to contact her. Her eyes narrowed as she looked at the screen.

“Ugh” she said in disgust.

It was her mother.

She jumped to sit on the counter as she listened to the voicemail.

“Rainey? Honey, it has been over a week and your father and I haven’t heard from you.” the woman spoke.

Rainey’s face was deformed in sickness as she listened to her mother. Mocking every word she was saying.

“Your psychiatrist called as well, you’ve been skipping your meetings…. Have you been taking your medication? Is everything alright? Please honey, we know you’re 18 but we’re worried about you. Call us, okay Rain? I love you baby.” the voice cracked and flatlined as the message ended.

Rainey sat quietly on the kitchen counter, her legs swaying back and forth over the edge. The room sat quiet for a few minutes. Only the sound of the living city broke through the perfectly crafted walls.

“SHUT UP” she suddenly screamed.

But no one else was around.

She wrapped her arms around herself.

“I KNOW what I did. YOU told me to do it, so don’t blame ME jesus!”

She bounced off the counter and paced over to a small cabinet behind her. From inside she pulled out a two small, orange colored bottles.

“If I take these then you’ll get the fuck OUT” she whispered to herself as she began to open the bottles.

But she suddenly stopped. She dropped to the floor and burst out into laughter. Covering her face with her dry palms.

“We killed him, that’s right.” she admitted through the laughter.

“We killed him, we killed him, we killed him, WE KILLED HIM, WE KILLED HIM”

Each time she said it her voice grew louder, each time she said it the water in her eyes swelled up a little bit more. Until it was impossible to hold back the flood. Rainey burst into a violent cry. The makeup on her eyes and face mixed with the dry blood already in place. It ran down her white skin in streams. Like an untouched river in a quiet forest. She rocked back and forth, back and forth.

Until she suddenly stopped. Slowly she picked herself up from the ground and pushed her hair back with her hands.

“Well, time to shower” she said playfully as she danced into the bathroom. Closing the door behind her.

The sound of water hitting perfect porcelain filled the apartment as she sang “Everybody Wants to Rule the World”.

***

The red aura radiating from the clock continued to blink ‘12:00 A.M’. The city outside still wide awake. It never seemed to sleep, neither did Rainey. Most nights she would be up, usually walking circles around the apartment. Surprisingly enough there were no tracks indicating the carefully calculated path she embarked on every night. But on this night, she sat still atop the window frame. Watching as her breath clung to glass and disappear as quickly as it came. Her face was bare of all makeup, yet she was as beautiful as the young sun greeting the morning. The only thing covering her body being a snug, wool blanket.

She sniffled as tears began to flow down her pale cheeks. Her hand catching them like a net.

“When will this end” she muttered to herself.

Suddenly a small rattling noise rose from the frame her delicate feet were planted on. Her phone. A small smirk carefully leaked out from the corner of her mouth as she bit down on her pink lips. In a swift motion she was dressed and out the door. The streets were lit in a low, orange light. The sky full of clouds, protecting the city with a sheet of black and grey. But slivers of darkness found salvation among the hidden cracks and countless alleyways.

Her black mane wrapped in a messy bun, she wore a long black sweater, edges frayed and worn. Dark blue skinny jeans and black vans.  Wherever she was going, she would be going comfortably. The destination took her to the edge of the village, a place she frequented quite often. The buildings were beautiful, much more so under the low light of the city at night. With small, carefully planted trees racing up and down the streets. Some buildings were dressed in red brick, while others with wood. Even some wore wild vines on them. It was a peaceful and quiet place. A break from the rush of typical city life.

She paced up a flight of concrete stairs, connecting to one of the buildings laced in red bricks. She knocked three times and waited for someone to answer the shallow call. A few minutes later the door clicked and turned open. Revealing a young girl. About the same age as Rainey. Red locks pouring from the ponytail she kept it in. She wore a large, grey hoodie, leaving her skinny legs exposed to brisk night air. Freckles still sleeping on her carefully crafted face, one that housed clear green eyes. She also flashed a sweet, warm smile at Rainey.

“Hey there, pretty girl” she spoke sweetly.

The girl with the raven hair smiled as she slowly approached the beautiful fire in front of her. Softly cuffing the girl’s’ face in her pale hands, their lips connected. Both let out sighs of happiness and comfort.

“Hey there, firecracker” Rainey spoke between kisses.

***

The inside of her apartment was spotless. Every book tucked neatly into its bed on the perfectly crafted shelves lining the maroon walls, every article of clothing neatly folded away or hung up in the closets. Pictures of her parents and siblings decorated the hallway behind the door. The hardwood floors glistened under the moon light, kissing the low orange glow of the lamps. Before making her way into the small living room, Rainey quickly removed her shoes, her firecracker hated mud trackers. Small noises could be heard leaking from the bright screen mounted on the wall of the living room.

A large, dark brown couch surrounded the room in a cozy circle. The cutest wool blanket and small pillows were sprawled across it. She must have fell asleep down her, again, Rainey thought to herself. in the center of the room sat a small, glass table. Video game, fashion and magazines with Japanese anime characters were neatly tucked on the bottom shelf of the table. In a black vase rested flowers, with beautiful pink petals floating above the stem. Sakura flowers, cherry blossoms sprouted from the seeds the two of them brought back from their visit to Tokyo last spring.

Rainey loved this small, cozy home. How her love smelled like roses, the scent flowing throughout the entire building.

“Want some tea, himawari” the red head said. Her voice as soft as cotton.

Rainey loved the cute nicknames she would call her. Himawari was her favorite though. The name seemed to stick after their trip to Tokyo. The two visited Akihabara, most famous for its vast collection of electronics and anime culture. There dined at a maid cafe and shared the Himawari Cake together, Himawari meaning ‘Sunflower’ in Japanese. It was her favorite memory of them, before the voices became constant.

“I would love some” Rainey spoke as she skipped over to the red head.

Wrapping her arms around her other half as she prepared the kettle on the stove. Why didn’t she come here earlier? Before… the blood, she asked herself. Face buried in the grey sweater.

“And what are you pouting about” the ginger teased. “And where have you been all day, I called twice”

“I fshsnvfj” Rainey spoke through a mouth full of hoodie cloth.

“Oh that’s where you were” she giggled.

Rainey quickly darted towards the chair beside the girl and took a seat.

“I was… busy” she said carefully. “I’m glad you asked me to come over tonight though. I missed that sexy, red ocean you got going on up there” she teased as she looked down, “And there”

“RAINEY LUCY GODFREY, you naughty woman” the red head shouted playfully.

“It’s your fault Sarya. You make it impossible NOT to love you”

Sarya was suddenly painted bright. Her cheeks filled with the heat of the sun. When she was nervous, she would cross her legs as she bit her lower lip. All while doing her best to avoid eye contact. The special thing is that no one but Rainey made her nervous. She loved that. She slowly turned towards the raven haired angel, edging closer and closer, until she could smell the scent of oranges on her neck. Rainey always smelled like them, it made Sarya feel safe when they were like this.

“Getting awfully close, aren’t we princess” Rainey spoke.

“You gonna turn me away, make the princess cry” Sarya teased.

“Well look, at, you. My take charge attitude must be rubbing off on you”

Their lips were inches apart. Breathing becoming unsteady under the weight of wanting to taste each other again. The kettle began to cry with steam and heat. Without taking her eyes away from Rainey, Sarya carefully turned off the heat of the stove. Rainey’s slender hands drove across her loves soft stomach, underneath the hoodie that was housing her skin. A soft sigh ran from Sarya’s lips, right into Rainey’s ears.

“Should I gooooo, lower” Rainey whispered, a smirk sketched across her lips.

Sarya could no longer fight or resist. She carefully guided Rainey’s hand underneath the black shorts covering her thighs. Her entire body quivered. It was like a jolt of electricity was sent flying through her entire body. As the pulsing between her thighs picked up pace, her legs began to weaken, shaking as if she were left out in cold streets of the city.

Sarya wrapped her hands around her love, her hips swaying back and forth. Suddenly both were standing in the middle of the kitchen. Their lips intertwined. Sighs and moans echoed over the voices on the television. Taking Rainey’s hand, she led them to the couch in the living room. Where the two them sat, face to face.

“Are you sure” Rainey asked as gently rubbed Sarya’s cheek.

Her vision of Sarya’s face become blocked as the grey hoodie flew in front of her face and onto the floor. Revealing the naked, freckled chest of the woman she loved.

“I’m sure” Sarya nodded, her smile could cut through the thickest darkness.

Rainey quickly undressed, revealing her pale, smooth skin to her love for the first time. Both started at each other. In awe of what was being being presented right in front of their eyes. The moment that both had only dreamed of was unfolding, like a page straight out of a love story. The warmth of the orange lights tickled their naked skin. Rainey ran her hands up and down Sarya’s freckled arms.

She always did know how to moisturize she thought to herself. She carefully ran her fingers across her small breasts, causing Sarya to let out a soft sigh from the cold touch. She leaned in and felt her lips collide with Sarya’s soft skin. Carefully guiding her until her back met the surface of the couch, as her black hair trickled Sarya’s freckled nose. Both giggled before their lips collided once more.

Rainey could feel the red head’s body tremble again as she placed her fingers back between her legs. The warmth of each others bodies was all they needed. The swayed back and forth, through sighs and moans of pleasure and the promise of more to come. Sarya bit down on her lip as she felt the tip of Rainey’s tongue sneak between her legs.

“Sneaky” she laughed.

This night felt like it could last forever for the two of them. Nothing else mattered. In this exact moment, with Sarya, Rainey was free and underneath that river of black, she could feel the weight on her mind lighten.

“I love you, firecracker” she said as she came up for air.

Sarya, with sweat covering her entire body and strands of red sticking to her face, smiled.

“And I love you”

End Chapter 1

©Jawan Herron

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In this age of film, there are few movies that can pull so hard at the strings of the heart. To see something so eye opening, something that makes you reflect on yourself, think about the way that you act and speak towards others. Not many films can have that effect on people, so you would shudder to even imagine that a animated film from Japan could do just that. Koe no Katachi or A Silent Voice, is film straight from the heart of Kyoto. Based on the popular japanese light novel/manga series and produced by animation powerhouse Kyoto Animation, Koe no Katachi is a masterpiece of a film that everyone should see at least once in their lifetime. Whether you’re a fan of the anime world or if you’re just a fan of film, the film is well worth the watch.

For years I have been a fan of Kyoto Animation. They have produced some of my favorite anime such as Inuyasha, Beyond the Boundary, K-On!, Hyouka and Myriad Phantom Colors etc. Kyoto never fails to put their heart a souls into the adaptations of beloved japanese light novel and manga adaptations. A Silent Voice brings us the story of Shoya Ishida, a young school boy whose world is completely changed when a girl named Shoko Nishimiya, who is deaf, enrolls in his elementary school class. You immediately become attached to Shoko because her first scene being introduced to the class, she has to use a notebook to communicate with the other kids and the expression on her face was so innocent and optimistic. She just wants to make friends and try the best that she can to be normal. But that doesn’t happen. She begins to get bullied by Shoya and his friends.

The scenes really resonated with me. I found myself in tears as I watched this little girl, who is doing her best to not let her ailment define her, get bullied and abused just because she’s a little different. I was Shoko growing up. I know how hard it can be to find a place where you belong, trying to fit in even though you’re different from your peers. Wanting so badly to just be like the other kids, when you’re not. Being isolated because of that can be cold and lonely. There was a specific scene where Shoko was sitting at her desk and she was asked to read from the book by their teacher. Now if you’re unfamiliar with how speaking works when you’re hard of hearing, it’s a lot harder and sounds different from regular speech. Her words were hard to comprehend at times and her voice was different from a regular childs. But still, she smiled and read as best she could on her own. Ishida being the bully that he was mocked her when it was his turn to read.

Having the main characters and cast as kids in the beginning of the film made you connect with them easily. Wanting nothing but happiness and success for Shoko as she grew up was something that Kyoto pulled off perfectly. After an incident that ended in blood, Shoko transferred schools and ishida was branded a BULLY by his classmates and was alienated by them. Even though they all did the bullying as well. That label followed Ishida into high school and that isolation and lonely lead him into depression and him attempting to kill himself. But before he could do it, Shoko came into his mind’s eye and he couldn’t go through with it.

The entire second half of the film is Ishida and Shoko reuniting and getting to know each other better. Even chance meetings with old classmates that abused Shoko, even in their high school age made me upset and I found myself yelling at the screen in defense of Shoko. She just continued to give that beautiful smile and simply say “I’m sorry” even though it wasn’t her fault. Then towards the end of the film there was fireworks festival. Ishida had attended it with Shoko and her family. You could tell something was off with Shoko given how little she was communicating with her family and with Ishida, even so she said goodbye to her friend and went home alone. Soon after Ishida went back to the Nishimiya residence for her little sister’s camera and this is probably the most powerful scene in the film.

Shoko was on the railing of the balcony, ready to jump and end her life. Ishida rushes to her as quick as he can and catches her hand just in time. He tells her that she shouldn’t end her life and basically confesses his feelings for her without really doing so. This changes Shoko’s mind about dying and she fights for life. But in the action of pulling her up, Ishida falls over the balcony and into the water at the bottom of the complex and falls into a comma.

Such powerful scenes are what make films hard to turn away from. Hard to forget even days after watching. Koe no Katachi left an imprint on my mind and my heart forever, simply because I related to Shoko so deeply. I cried when she cried, I felt her pain and her need to find strength. I understood how she was simply was trying her best to just simply live, without feeling like an inconvenience to everyone around her. This film touched on the weight of physical ailments and mental health so perfectly. I can see this film opening so many eyes and hearts after just one watch.

So after two watches I can confidently say that this film is a must watch for anyone, regardless of age, gender or personal film preference. So many people in the world need to exposed to things like this. To gain compassion, knowledge and understanding of such issues as these. So please, give this film a watch. Sit down with your family and friends. I promise that you won’t regret it.

Koe no Katachi is available on Blu-Ray & DVD at various Japanese retailers and available for streaming on various anime websites as well!

Score: 10/10

Sanity

Sacrificing sanity for things that I hate
For nights of no productivity and less creativity
For people I feel nothing for
At a job that rots me from the inside out
For the daily anxiety of trying to keep up with life
The anxiety of keeping my love close
Wishing it would all slow down
Give me a brief relief from the pace I wonder if I am gaining closer to my dreams
Maybe I will regain what I have lost if I keep going
If I reach the end, no
When I reach the end
For my sanity
I will go

©Jawan Herron

Awareness


This poem is a result of things that i’ve seen and or have thought of for as long as I can remember. I’m choosing to write about such a troubling topic because I feel not enough people are addressing it. We often miss the signs of depression and anxiety until it’s too late and that doesn’t sit right with me. I have often thought of killing myself in the past and if those who reached out to me didn’t do so, I most certainly would not be here today. I hope as you’re reading this you feel a sort of anxiety and sadness, as if you’re living in someone else’s shoes, as if you’re living in a past me’s shoes and you’re met with this choice because sometimes others feel like there is no other way out, much like I did in the past. Please just be aware and be kind to one another because you can never know what is going on in someone else’s life. Thank you.

Choice

You forget everything
Your body is numb, as if walking through a shallow glacier
No touch, no feeling, no senses
The world around you becomes black as it becomes harder to breath
Suffocating on the very words you wish so desprately to spit out
But you choke and no one can hear you
The blood in your veins boiling like fire
Do you care at all
Do you want to care at all
Reaching out into the void of the safe haven in your mind
Pulling nothing but emptiness back
Not fearing what you’re facing but welcoming it
You take the knife
You tie the noose
You level the bridge
Falling into nothingness that is impossible to journey back from, until you crash
It feels euphoric, to be finished with it all
As it runs slowly through the cracks
No more pain
No more suffering
No more sadness
Nothing but black

©Jawan Herron